The weather reflects my mood quite well tonight...it's raining quite hard...no thunder and lightening though, I'm not angry.
There are so many things going through my mind at the moment...
I recently had to make what I think was probably the most difficult decision I've ever had to make; I withdrew from school, leaving my friends and basically my whole life behind. The reason for this was that I had become extremely depressed, and it was affecting every aspect of my life for the worst: I was struggling more than a little in my classes because there were so many days where I was so depressed I just didn't want to get out of bed and face the day, my relationships had begun to suffer...just about 2 weeks before I left, I got into a huge argument with one of my best friends, a fight that I blame completely on the fact that I was so depressed that I had become extremely sensitive and therefore got my feelings hurt way too easily that evening...I'd also gotten to a point where I could hardly get through a day without crying because I hated myself so much and I just wanted everything to end. Although the thought of suicide had run through my mind several times on a daily basis, I just couldn't bring myself to do it...and I don't think I'll ever do it...for a number of reasons, one of which is the fact that I know that I'd be making some of the people, who I love very much, very upset. You may be thinking, "If she knows she's loved by so many people, then why on earth would she be so depressed?" The answer I give you to that question is that I have no idea, which, believe me, makes this situation all the more difficult. My dad has expressed several times since I've come home that he doesn't understand why I needed to leave school, and really all it does is make me feel bad because I can't really give him a good explanation.
Ok...so skip a few things, and fast forward to what I'm thinking about tonight...
I spent the last Friday and Saturday in Denton with my Clarkies, and came upon a number of realizations:
1. I don't even have to be in Clark for more than 12 hours before drama occurs. Clark Hall is full of people who consistently make situations more dramatic than they need to be, and it absolutely drives me crazy and wears me out emotionally. This is actually something I discussed with my therapist this past week: I need to not let other people affect me so much. While this is true, I cannot help but to get upset when one of my absolute best friends is being made to look like a bad person...and furthermore, by someone who is supposed to trust and care about said friend.
2. The friend just previously mentioned happens to be a guy who I fell pretty hard for last semester, and it has recently come to my attention that I'm not over him...despite the fact that I know he and I can never and will never be together. I'll spare you the details, but the point is that I can't get him out of my mind and I don't like it!
3. Same guy's girlfriend (who happens to be the one who caused the drama in realization 1) is someone who I don't particularly care for...at all...and for the record, my dislike for her has to do with several things other than the fact that she's dating the guy I have feelings for. Anyway, I feel like this girl is replacing me in every aspect of my life: she's taken my place with the guy who I was at one time very close to, she replaced me on CHA, and just the other night she was watching a movie with some friends who I used to watch movies with all the time (don't get me wrong, they can watch movies with whoever they want, whenever they want...it was just the icing on the cake). This feeling that I can be so easily replaced, and by someone who I don't even like, makes me feel worthless...to say the least. I realize it sounds ridiculous...but it's honestly how I feel.
4. To put it simply: I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE HELL I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE! On top of all the obvious confusion and stress this causes, it also makes me feel like my life is never going to amount to anything, which further makes me feel worthless and puts me in a kind of "why even bother?" mindset.
5. All of the previously stated realizations make me question whether or not I want to return to Clark Hall or even UNT. Although it kills me to think I won't return to one of my favorite places and some of my favorite people, I know I can't go back with absolutely no goal in mind. Besides, Clark has changed a lot since I fell in love with it...so I wonder if it's the current Clark or the old Clark that I love now.
All of this just scrapes the surface of what's been going on in my head lately...if you read it all, you're my hero. All I want right now is for someone to know and understand what's going on with me...because quite honestly, I've felt very alone for a while now...because even when I was at Clark, I felt like I couldn't tell anyone exactlyhow I felt because all of my closest friends were people who would've had to do lots of paperwork or were people who would've felt it necessary to tell someone who would've had to do lots of paperwork. I brought it upon myself...I realize that...but right now I'd just like to know that someone would stay by my side...even after knowing everything.
For now, it feels good to at least get that all out in writing.
Love always,
Caitlin
There are so many things going through my mind at the moment...
I recently had to make what I think was probably the most difficult decision I've ever had to make; I withdrew from school, leaving my friends and basically my whole life behind. The reason for this was that I had become extremely depressed, and it was affecting every aspect of my life for the worst: I was struggling more than a little in my classes because there were so many days where I was so depressed I just didn't want to get out of bed and face the day, my relationships had begun to suffer...just about 2 weeks before I left, I got into a huge argument with one of my best friends, a fight that I blame completely on the fact that I was so depressed that I had become extremely sensitive and therefore got my feelings hurt way too easily that evening...I'd also gotten to a point where I could hardly get through a day without crying because I hated myself so much and I just wanted everything to end. Although the thought of suicide had run through my mind several times on a daily basis, I just couldn't bring myself to do it...and I don't think I'll ever do it...for a number of reasons, one of which is the fact that I know that I'd be making some of the people, who I love very much, very upset. You may be thinking, "If she knows she's loved by so many people, then why on earth would she be so depressed?" The answer I give you to that question is that I have no idea, which, believe me, makes this situation all the more difficult. My dad has expressed several times since I've come home that he doesn't understand why I needed to leave school, and really all it does is make me feel bad because I can't really give him a good explanation.
Ok...so skip a few things, and fast forward to what I'm thinking about tonight...
I spent the last Friday and Saturday in Denton with my Clarkies, and came upon a number of realizations:
1. I don't even have to be in Clark for more than 12 hours before drama occurs. Clark Hall is full of people who consistently make situations more dramatic than they need to be, and it absolutely drives me crazy and wears me out emotionally. This is actually something I discussed with my therapist this past week: I need to not let other people affect me so much. While this is true, I cannot help but to get upset when one of my absolute best friends is being made to look like a bad person...and furthermore, by someone who is supposed to trust and care about said friend.
2. The friend just previously mentioned happens to be a guy who I fell pretty hard for last semester, and it has recently come to my attention that I'm not over him...despite the fact that I know he and I can never and will never be together. I'll spare you the details, but the point is that I can't get him out of my mind and I don't like it!
3. Same guy's girlfriend (who happens to be the one who caused the drama in realization 1) is someone who I don't particularly care for...at all...and for the record, my dislike for her has to do with several things other than the fact that she's dating the guy I have feelings for. Anyway, I feel like this girl is replacing me in every aspect of my life: she's taken my place with the guy who I was at one time very close to, she replaced me on CHA, and just the other night she was watching a movie with some friends who I used to watch movies with all the time (don't get me wrong, they can watch movies with whoever they want, whenever they want...it was just the icing on the cake). This feeling that I can be so easily replaced, and by someone who I don't even like, makes me feel worthless...to say the least. I realize it sounds ridiculous...but it's honestly how I feel.
4. To put it simply: I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE HELL I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE! On top of all the obvious confusion and stress this causes, it also makes me feel like my life is never going to amount to anything, which further makes me feel worthless and puts me in a kind of "why even bother?" mindset.
5. All of the previously stated realizations make me question whether or not I want to return to Clark Hall or even UNT. Although it kills me to think I won't return to one of my favorite places and some of my favorite people, I know I can't go back with absolutely no goal in mind. Besides, Clark has changed a lot since I fell in love with it...so I wonder if it's the current Clark or the old Clark that I love now.
All of this just scrapes the surface of what's been going on in my head lately...if you read it all, you're my hero. All I want right now is for someone to know and understand what's going on with me...because quite honestly, I've felt very alone for a while now...because even when I was at Clark, I felt like I couldn't tell anyone exactlyhow I felt because all of my closest friends were people who would've had to do lots of paperwork or were people who would've felt it necessary to tell someone who would've had to do lots of paperwork. I brought it upon myself...I realize that...but right now I'd just like to know that someone would stay by my side...even after knowing everything.
For now, it feels good to at least get that all out in writing.
Love always,
Caitlin
